I hear it all the time.
"I wish I was thinner."
"I wish I could win the lottery."
"I wish I had a better job."
Recently, I've found myself saying "I wish" far more often than I used to.
I wish that when I went to bed each night, I knew how I would feel come the morning time.
But I don't and I never will. Being controlled by my mind drives me crazy.
I want to be nice, love everyone, and bring peace to people's life.
But that isn't going to always happen.
There is so much pain inside of me. Some of it is common. Nearly everyone in the world has traumatic experiences and pain that will never go away. We can all empathize with people who experienced situations similar to their own.
Some of the pain isn't. It comes from experiences that I have gone through. Some come from shit that I created. For some reason, my pain and hurt manifest into anger and whoever is around me is going to suffer.
So I isolate myself as much as possible. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.
There are a million and one people who can teach you coping mechanisms and appropriate medicine for this type of behavior.
What they don't tell you is you lose your passion. The medication takes away parts of your personality that were fantastic. Sure, you lose the anger, but you lose yourself in a lot of ways.
I miss me sometimes. But when the depression comes a calling, that same me is the one who hurt the people he loves. And so my brain obsesses on the shame.
I guess the question that I ask myself more and more often is "Who is the real me?"
I am a zealot. A passionate warrior for love and hope. A servant to those who need me. I would give the shirt off my back to the people that I love.
But the people I love take a beating just in loving me. They have to deal with the irrational, hard to handle person that I am.
I long to be loved. I long to love. But in search of that, I often find myself hurt.
What kind of future do I have? I honestly don't know.
Some people crave comfort. I have always hated the idea of comfort. For me, comfort means complacency. It means your drive to do better is gone.
But maybe right now, I need comfort. I need to feel like I'm going to be ok.